stellafonic

um...yeah.

i tell you. girls are such headcases.
i'm one.

really. it's not frustrating. but it's just really uncomfortable to see the extent of how indifferent you can be.

or your capacity of making a person feel a certain thing.

hmm.

i hate the cliche. in love with the idea.

he said 'i love you'
then he fell asleep.

i wonder if he fell asleep because it's been a long night.
or because he knew that i couldn't say it back right then and there.

not the way he just hard.

all i could say was 'i adore you'

but this is all that i have, so please
take whats left of this heart, and use
please use only what you really need
you know i only have so little, so please
mend your broken heart and leave

i know its not your style
and i can tell by the way that you move its real real soon
but im on your side
and i dont want to be your regret, id rather be your cocoon

but this is all that you have, so please
let me take whats left of your heart, and i will use
i swear ill use only what i need
i know you only have so little, so please
let me mend my broken heart

the group was talking about horror movies.
i piped in, knowingly that i'm pretty much chicken shit about stuff like that.

somehow we ended up talking. for 10 hours.
then 12 hours. the next day.
and 15 hours the day after.

we don't say much. mostly giggle.
and pretending that we're not really bursting with affection.

and then today. i'm officially known as sweet tea honey bee.
 

There's something so fantastic about meeting a familiar face and discovering that you've been kindred spirits all along.

I keep on finding myself yearning to leave the city. And somehow I find myself, when I do.

I don't know if that makes sense.

It's spectacular to see positive change, even more spectacular to know that you were a part of it.

I'm so thrilled to be here. In the middle of nowhere. With no schedule, no real plans.

Just one goal, to rest my mind.

I'm going on a meditation retreat. Noble silence will be practiced. No form of communication for ten days, complete silence, so I can finally hear my thoughts. Iits equal parts exciting and scary, knowing that perhaps for the very first time I will have to face my own worst enemy, myself.

Totally need to kick some ass.
I yearn for innate discipline. And a compassionate heart that will allow me to get rid of anger and disillusionment.

Yeah. Ass kicking. Pronto mode.

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I'm really bad with some names.

I remember all of my elementary school teachers' names.

I can't for the life of me remember my 11th grade roommate's full name. Kathryn something. She listened to the soundtrack of 'tank girl'.

Or the boy that made my tummy turn to knots freshman year of college.
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I turn 30 next year.
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i'm going away to islands this weekend. december.
the water looks like liquid apple candy.

--
so this has to be said.

bebe's not allowed to call -me- "bebe" anymore. his girlfriend said so.

so he complies with the love of his life, and he denies me my second 'e', and now calls me 'beb'.

i don't like it. and it upsets him when i tell him i'm dissapointed.i'm not mad. i really am not. i just don't get what the big fucking deal is.

i just want what's mine.  my second e. i've had that second e for over ten fucking years. you can't just take a girl's second e away like that.

i'm also 28 years old. and have been out of high school for a decade.

maybe because when i'm brutally honest it bothers him, so i dunno what to do. sometimes i sound passive-aggressive, even without realising i do.  so i have practice conversations in my head, and make sure that it doesn't come out that way. because with what's going on right now, it almost seems like second nature to respond in a bullshit passive-agressive way.

so i try not to.

i stared blankly at the unsent email in my drafts folder all this week. i stared at it last night until i fell asleep. i stare, because i don't want to regret some stupid statement i might make and then upset the world order.

so just be fucking happy i care enough and how wonderfully gracious i fucking am to bite my tongue. Dammit.

.
.

TK is my permanent honeymoonin' partner because she never fails to assure me that whatever it is isn't really an issue. and i should just shut the fuck up and clink my champagne glass to hers and to continue working on my tan. 

.

plans for the beach trip?

complete and utter debauch with an endless supply of profanity. ahhh. bliss.

I don't really know what happened.

But the moment I walked in I kinda knew.

This new person sitting there, talking. He turned around and smiled and moved over to the next seat and told me he kept my seat warm for me.

We talked and talked.

After he left, I aske AS if the new person is going to fall in love with me.

Or if I will fall in love with him.

AS chuckles and says we're a good match.

At 8pm the new person calls me and asks me for drinks. I tell him I'm still working, and I'm off for holidays tomorrow and the weekend.

So we're meeting next week. For dinner and drinks.

I am giddy as fuck.

And can't wipe this retarded grin off my face.
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Life is.

Frustrating.

Right now. Very.

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